I love Frasier.
Obviously I do. It’s great. So I held myself to a challenge.
I’m on furlough from work this week. I’m challenging myself to create something unique and different every day of this furlough week. So, as my first task, I looked at the world around me and decided the only way to get through it would be to imagine how the cast of Frasier would be reacting to a global pandemic.
I don’t want to preamble too much. Below is a fictionalized episode I wrote in less than 24 hours imagining how Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin and Roz would be reacting to the world we live in right now.
Enjoy!
FRASIER: Season 12, Episode 1
Anti-social Distancing
INTRO: Frasier graphic. Opening jingle plays. In the drawing of the Seattle skyline, we see the Space Needle is flying a flag that reads “Stay Inside!”
FADE IN; SCENE: INT. — Frasier’s dining area. Frasier is sitting at his kitchen table, which has been converted into an at-home podcast studio. He’s wearing headphones and has a laptop set up in front of him. He looks a little irritated, but no more than he usually looks by the end of a show. Roz is connected to Frasier through a video chat on his laptop screen. We can barely see her.
Frasier takes a deep, aggravated inhale.
FRASIER:
Roz, I think we have time for one more caller. Who do we have?
We see Roz more clearly. She has a busted lip. As such, she’s speaking with a bit of a wonky lisp. Can’t really shut her mouth all the way.
ROZ:
Frasier, we have Scott from Spokane. He says he’s having spousal issues.
Frasier winces as Roz lisps her way through “spousal issues,” but he catches his composure.
FRASIER:
Hello Scott. I’m listening.
We hear Scott through voiceover. It’s probably the voice of some trendy celebrity like Adam Driver or John Legend.
SCOTT (v.o.):
Hi Dr. Crane. My husband and I are going through a rough patch. Any tips?
FRASIER:
What sort of problems are you having?
SCOTT (v.o.):
I just think we’re seeing too much of each other. Everywhere I go, he’s there. If I need a snack, he’s in the kitchen. If I need a nap, he’s in the bedroom. If I need to take a shower, he’s on the toilet. I just can’t take it.
FRASIER:
And when did you start feeling this way?
SCOTT (v.o.):
Oh, I dunno. It’s probably been about eight or nine months now.
FRASIER:
But Scott, we’ve only been in quarantine for about three months.
SCOTT (v.o.):
Who said anything about quarantine?
FRASIER:
Right. Well, Scott. I don’t think we’ll have enough time to solve your myriad marital issues on today’s show. Please stay on the line and we’ll connect you with the counseling help you need.
That’s about all the time we have today on the Frasier Crane Podcast. I’m Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
Frasier frustratedly rips off his headphones and swivels over toward his computer. He huffs toward Roz. He grumpily and lowly delivers his line.
FRASIER:
Oh. I’m sorry. I’m not sure if we’ve met. You see, I’m used to my producer being Roz Doyle, not DAFFY DUCK!
ROZ (still lispy):
Frasier, I’m so sorry.
FRASIER:
What the hell happened to your face, Roz?
ROZ:
So I was at the supermarket and there was only one roll of paper towels left. I saw them first! So what if they were already in her cart?
FRASIER:
Roz, you didn’t.
ROZ:
She had her back turned! I didn’t think she’d notice. But the second I reach in to grab them she turns around and whacks me in the face with her purse.
FRASIER:
Oh, Roz.
ROZ:
At least I was wearing a mask!
FRASIER:
Oh good. Otherwise someone may have noticed you and turned you in as the Bounty Bandit! I heard there’s a $50 reward if anyone finds you dead or alive.
ROZ:
She was hoarding supplies! Who needs 72 rolls of toilet paper?
FRASIER:
I stand corrected. I didn’t know I was in the presence of a noble thief. Clearly you’re the Jean Valjean of all Seattle-area Whole Foods.
ROZ:
I needed them!
FRASIER:
Of course you did. How else will you clean up the blood and spittle pooling on your blouse?
Roz looks down, disgustedly. Frasier grins a satisfied grin. Fade out.
TITLE CARD: GERM WARFARE
SCENE: INT — Niles and Daphne’s living room. We see a row of 10-20 medical-grade masks hanging on a wall. Niles enters wearing a face shield and thick, yellow cleaning gloves and holding a spray bottle filled with disinfectant. He approaches the first mask and spritzes it with two sprays from the bottle. He then pulls out his handkerchief, sprays it twice, then wipes down the mask. He repeats the process on the second and third masks before Daphne walks in and interrupts him.
DAPHNE (concerned):
Niles…
NILES (manic):
Yes, sweetie?
DAPHNE:
Are you doing OK?
NILES:
I’m doing great! Never better. Just giving the ol’ masks a quick clean again. Why do you ask?
DAPHNE:
Because you cleaned your masks an hour ago. No one’s come in or out of the house since then. So why do they need to be cleaned again?
NILES:
I saw… a fly.
DAPHNE:
And?
NILES:
Who knows what that fly might have come in contact with, Daphne? Insects are the silent carriers.
DAPHNE:
I think you might need some fresh air. When was the last time you went outside?
NILES:
Don’t be silly. We went on that walk two nights ago.
DAPHNE:
Niles, that was in February.
NILES:
And what is it now?
DAPHNE:
Summer. You missed a whole season.
NILES:
Such is life. I’ve never much cared for spring anyway. Allergies. Baseball. Men in short pants. I didn’t miss much.
DAPHNE:
I just think some sunlight could do you some good.
The phone rings. Niles calmly starts walking toward it to answer.
NILES:
Seriously, I’m fine. You have nothing to worry about.
Niles answers the phone. Panicked dread immediately shoots across his face.
NILES:
What happened? Is this Dr. Singh? Is everyone OK? Do I need to board up the windows?
We hear Frasier’s voice coming muffledly through the phone.
FRASIER:
It’s me Niles! And this is a FaceTime call. Take me out of your ear you imbecile!
Niles pulls the phone down in front of his face and sees Frasier. He lightens up and smiles a little.
NILES:
Frasier, what a pleasant surprise. How are you?
FRASIER:
Niles take off that mask! You’re indoors for God’s sake.
Niles is hesitant but after a two-second pause he takes off his mask.
FRASIER:
Thank you. Now for why I’m calling. Has the opera house refunded your tickets for Leopold Esposito’s traveling revival of La traviata yet?
NILES:
Sure, I think I got the check in the mail a couple days ago.
Daphne walks behind the call and chimes in.
DAPHNE:
It was two months ago. Hi Frasier.
Frasier ignores Daphne and bursts into rage.
FRASIER:
Those swindlers!
NILES:
Have you tried calling them?
FRASIER:
Every day for weeks. I will no longer tolerate this transpicuous extortion. It’s time they feel the full wrath of Dr. Frasier Crane.
NILES:
Best of luck with that. Anyway, I must be going. My agoraphobics support group is throwing a Christmas party.
FRASIER:
It’s June, Niles.
NILES:
Yes, but this is their Christmas.
Fade out.
TITLE CARD: NEW DELI
SCENE: INT. — Frasier’s living room. Frasier is on the phone. He’s pacing and clearly is still frustrated about his unresolved refund. His voice is elevated as he bellows into the phone.
FRASIER:
This is unacceptable! How many times must I explain I just want my money back? I’m not asking to own the opera house! I just want a refund… Yes. … Yes. … No I will not hold again! Just refund me my money!
Frasier hangs up the phone. He groans and slumps down onto the couch. He rubs his hands over his face and mutters to himself for a few seconds until Martin enters from the kitchen.
MARTIN:
We’re out of ham.
Frasier doesn’t bother to remove his hands from his face. He keeps laying down as he answers.
FRASIER:
I’ll go to the store on Friday.
MARTIN:
But it’s Tuesday!
FRASIER:
So we’ll get more ham in three days.
MARTIN:
What am I supposed to eat for lunch?
Frasier groans. He’s still laying down.
FRASIER:
We have plenty of food in the fridge. It can definitely last us both until Friday.
MARTIN:
But I don’t want any of your fru-fru, girly sandwiches. I want ham. Good, All-American ham.
Frasier rises like a mummy from out of a tomb. He clearly doesn’t want to dignify his father with any responses.
FRASIER:
If you need ham so badly, have some delivered.
MARTIN:
What if the delivery boy sneezes on it?
FRASIER:
God forbid he try to improve the taste.
MARTIN:
Frasier, this is serious.
FRASIER:
Either have some delivered or wait until Friday. It’s a pandemic, dad. You’re at high risk. We can’t be putting you in danger every time you run out of sliced pork.
MARTIN:
Fine. Be that way. I guess we can share food for a few days.
FRASIER:
It’ll do you some good. Who knows what 80 years of ham sandwiches have done to your bloodstream?
MARTIN:
Did you work out everything with your opera tickets?
FRASIER (grumbles):
No…..
MARTIN:
I don’t understand what’s the big deal. Why can’t they just give you your money back.
FRASIER:
Those racketeering, scam artists are trying to convince me the show wasn’t cancelled, but rather I missed it.
MARTIN:
How is that possible?
FRASIER:
Apparently the cast united to put on the show over video call. They say the ticket package I purchased allows me insider access to watch that video call online. Therefore they can’t refund me my ticket because I can still watch the show.
MARTIN:
Well, have you considered just watching the video call?
FRASIER:
I’m not going to watch La traviata alone in my bedroom. That’d be like going to a drive-in movie theater only to learn they’re projecting Casablanca onto the back of a cereal box.
MARTIN:
If they’re not going to give you your money back, what other option do you have?
FRASIER:
They will give me my money back. Mark my words. They will. If it’s the last thing they ever do, they’ll give me back what I am owed. I will not be wronged!
Martin slowly backs away as Frasier starts plotting his revenge. End scene.
TITLE CARD: DELIVER US SOME EVIL
SCENE: INT — Niles’ living room again. Niles is sitting alone on the couch reading a book. He seems more casual than he did when last we saw him, but you can tell he’s still a little on edge. He puts the book down on the coffee table and picks up a rubber glove. He puts on the glove, turns to the next page of his book, then takes the glove off and picks the book back up. Resume reading. A doorbell rings.
NILES:
Daphne?
Niles pauses and waits for an answer. He looks a little panicked as he swivels his head around looking for Daphne. He hears no response.
NILES:
Daph? Daph? There’s someone at the door
Still no answer. The doorbell rings again.
NILES (shouting):
Just a minute!
Niles sprints over to grab one of the masks he has hanging from the wall. He picks one up, inspects it but finds a speck of dust, flicks the dust, then puts the mask back. He inspects a second one but decides that one isn’t right either. The doorbell rings a third time.
NILES (louder):
I said one minute!
After much consideration, Niles finally chooses a mask. He puts it on, then scurries back over to the coffee table to grab his rubber gloves. He starts heading toward the front door but halfway there he decides to turn around and grab a throw blanket off the couch. He wraps the blanket over his head and shoulders like a shawl, trying to cover up all of his exposed skin. He opens the door.
A delivery man is standing with a tall, narrow cardboard box. The man looks slightly annoyed. Niles takes a big step backward after answering the door when he notices the man isn’t wearing a mask.
DELIVERY GUY:
Are you Niles Crane?
NILES (uneasy):
Yes.
DELIVERY GUY:
Sign here.
The delivery guy reaches out with a clipboard and a pen. His hand is bare. Niles is obviously nervous. Niles extends his arm as far as he can to grab the pen. He pinches the pen with his thumb and pointer finger and scribbles a few indistinguishable inches on the page to call it a signature. He then drops the pen to his feet and kicks it back to the delivery guy, who bends over to pick it up. The delivery guy leans the package against the door and starts to walk away.
Niles kicks into overdrive, sprinting over to retrieve his spray bottle. He sprays down the package thoroughly, then sprays his glove and sprints into the kitchen. When we get into the kitchen, we see that he has a sink basin filled with what appears to be a cleaning solution. He dunks his gloves into the solution, then takes off his mask and dunks that in the solution as well. He picks up a second pair of gloves from a drying rack, puts them on, and sprints back into the living room.
Niles now uses the new gloves to drag the box into the house. He’s panting out of breath. He’s about to fall over. It’s at this point that Daphne walks in from downstairs.
DAPHNE:
Who was at the door?
Niles is still hyperventilating. He holds up one finger as to say ‘gimme a second.’ He catches his breath.
NILES:
Daphne, it was horrible. He breathed all over me. He almost touched me. I don’t think it’s safe here any longer. We need to find a new house. Now.
DAPHNE:
It’s going to be OK, Niles.
NILES:
How do you know that?
DAPHNE:
Because we get packages from Amazon almost every day.
NILES:
We what?
Niles’ knees buckle. Daphne runs over to catch him. Niles shies away from her touch. He half-whines, half-cries through his next line.
NILES:
Don’t touch me! I’m contaminated!
Daphne rolls her eyes.
DAPHNE:
At this point, I think I’ll take my chances with the virus.
NILES:
Don’t even joke!
DAPHNE:
What’s in the box anyway?
NILES:
It’s my medical-grade hazmat suit. It’s finally arrived.
DAPHNE:
Shouldn’t we be saving those types of supplies for doctors who need them?
NILES:
I am a doctor Daphne! I need them!
DAPHNE:
You’re a psychiatrist!
NILES:
Mental health is more important now than ever before.
DAPHNE:
You don’t even go outside!
NILES:
I can now. Just think, Daph. You and me. Taking a leisurely stroll through the park. Your medically-sanitized hand holding onto the three inches of thick rubber protecting my medically-sanitized hand. It’s perfect.
DAPHNE:
It’s every girl’s dream.
End scene.
TITLE CARD: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED SCOLD
SCENE: INT — Frasier’s living room. Martin is at the kitchen table gritting his way through what appears to be a meatless sandwich. He takes a miniscule bite and before he can even chew reaches for his can of beer. He goes to sip and turns it up all the way until it’s upside down. He shakes it a few times but nothing comes out. Panic sets in.
MARTIN (half-yelling):
Frasier!
Frasier comes huffing out from the hallway. He’s a little agitated that his dad is calling him again.
FRASIER:
Yes, dad?
MARTIN:
We’re out of beer.
FRASIER:
Put it on the list.
MARTIN:
But Frais…
FRASIER:
Dad, how many times do I need to tell you? I go to the store on Fridays. It’s Thursday. Can you not go one night without beer?
Martin looks down at his feet for a few seconds.
MARTIN:
It’s bad enough you’ve had me eating vegetarian sandwiches for two days. Now I have to eat them sober too? I think this qualifies as torture in some states.
FRASIER:
You know full well we have other alcohol in the house. There’s nothing stopping you from pouring yourself a glass of wine.
MARTIN:
Great. Just what I need. More of your stuff. I’m out of ham. I’m out of beer. I’m out of jerky. We ran out of the cereal I like five days ago. Can’t you just go to the store today?
FRASIER:
I can’t today, dad. I’m busy.
MARTIN:
How can you be busy? Your show isn’t for another three hours.
FRASIER:
I’m organizing a boycott of the opera.
MARTIN:
You’re still on this?
FRASIER:
Of course I am. I won’t stop until justice has been reached.
MARTIN:
Don’t you think it’s just about time you let this one go?
FRASIER:
Let this one go? Let this one go? Would you have told Thomas Jefferson to just let that whole Declaration of Independence thing slide? Would you have told Martin Luther King to just let his dream stay a dream? This is about doing what’s right. I will not rest until those crooks get what’s coming to them.
MARTIN:
Get what’s coming to them? They’re already closed, Frais. You’ll be boycotting an empty theater. Cut them some slack.
Frasier growls. He turns around and saunters back to his room. Martin walks over to the wine shelf and pours himself a glass. He goes back to his sandwich and takes another small bite. He winces. He grabs the glass of wine and takes an equally small sip. He makes an even bigger wince after the sip. He leans back in his chair resigned to frustration for a few seconds before getting an idea.
MARTIN:
Maybe we still have some Cheetos left.
End scene.
TITLE CARD: BUT WHAT’S PROTECTING HIS SUIT?
SCENE: Ext — Daphne is walking in a park. She looks embarrassed. She waves to a woman running by, trying to keep up appearances but failing. We zoom out ever so slightly and reveal she’s walking side-by-side with Niles, who is grinning from ear to ear under his hazmat suit. He looks a little bit like the Michelin Man with his white, puffy layers protecting him. This is the most gleeful we’ve seen Niles all episode but Daphne looks mortified.
DAPHNE:
Can you at least take off the helmet?
Niles’ head swivels toward Daphne. His voice is booming and echoey out of the hazmat suit.
NILES:
Why would I do that?
DAPHNE:
Aren’t you hot under there?
NILES:
A small price to pay for safety.
DAPHNE:
People are staring, Niles.
NILES:
Staring in awe. Staring in jealousy that they didn’t think of this first.
DAPHNE:
Staring at the poor woman married to the lunatic.
NILES:
I think you’re overreacting just a tad.
A family of four starts walking up toward Daphne and Niles in the opposite direction. The parents are probably in their mid-30s and the two kids can’t be older than 3 and 5. The mom is pushing the 3-year-old in a stroller. The 5-year-old is walking on his own. When he sees Niles, he freezes and stares petrified.
Niles slows down and bends to say hello.
NILES (his voice still echoing):
Hey there little guy.
The child starts screaming and sprints away. His parents look at Niles with disgust.
DAPHNE:
So I’m overreacting, am I?
NILES:
He probably just thought I was one of his favorite comic book characters.
DAPHNE:
You’re some sort of character all right.
A woman starts walking in Niles and Daphne’s direction. She’s not wearing a mask and she’s rearing back as if she’s about to sneeze. Niles is startled.
NILES:
Oh no!
Niles starts backpedaling to get away from the impending sneeze. Everything starts moving in slow motion. He runs backwards and bumps into a tree with his right shoulder. The woman sneezes and keeps walking on her way. Niles fumbles his way back toward Daphne as if he’s just avoided a grenade.
NILES:
That was close. Are you OK, darling?
DAPHNE (dripping with sarcasm):
Yeah, I can’t believe I survived that.
We hear a high-pitched whirring noise. It kind of sounds like a car tire losing air. Daphne looks at Niles puzzled.
DAPHNE:
Niles, do you hear that noise?
Niles perks up and starts looking from side to side like a dog that just heard a squirrel. He looks down at his right shoulder and sees that his suit has been torn by the tree he bumped into. His suit is deflating.
NILES:
I’m breached!
Niles aggressively throws his left hand over his right shoulder to try to cover the hole. As he does that, we hear a ripping noise. He’s moved his left arm with such force that he’s ripped a hole in the back of his suit. When he hears that ripping noise, he throws his right arm under his left arm to try to cover that hole too. It makes the rips even bigger. Niles starts crying out in agony for Daphne to help him. Daphne does nothing. She just slowly starts walking away to leave Niles in his deluded mis-reality. End scene.
TITLE CARD: ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WASTED
SCENE, INT. — Martin is sitting in his chair. He grabs a bottle of wine from off the end table and pours the last bits of it into a glass. He spills some of the wine on himself trying to sip it up and starts laughing hysterically. We see that there are three or four other empty bottles of wine strewn around Martin’s feet. He reaches for the TV remote that’s on the coffee table and turns up the volume.
MARTIN (slurring):
This is hilarious. Whatever it is.
Martin starts laughing hysterically again. Frasier walks in from back where his bedroom is.
FRASIER:
Well, that was Daphne. Everything’s OK now. Niles made her hose him down in the backyard and now Niles has locked himself in the bathroom and won’t come out. (Frasier pauses) Sounds like she can finally get some peace and quiet after all.
Frasier notices what Martin is watching on the TV. He looks appalled.
FRASIER:
Dad, are you watching my opera?
MARTIN (slurring more):
Is that what this is? It’s great.
Frasier is incredulous. He walks over and snatches the remote from out of Martin’s hand and presses pause.
FRASIER:
How could you?
MARTIN:
Easy. I just pressed the play button and it came on.
Martin starts laughing to himself again. Frasier notices the empty wine bottles on the floor.
FRASIER:
Oh dad, how much have you had to drink?
MARTIN:
I told you we were out of beer.
Frasier gets protective and kindly in tone.
FRASIER:
I know dad. I know.
Frasier puts a blanket over Martin.
MARTIN:
Turn that show back on. It’s so good.
Frasier sighs with reluctance. He takes the remote and presses play. Opera music blares through the speakers. Frasier cracks a slight smile. Fade out.
CREDITS SCENE:
Theme song starts playing. Scene is we’re in a supermarket with Roz. She’s pushing her cart, which is practically empty, and wearing a mask. She sees a woman pushing a cart down the same aisle as her. The woman has multiple 24-packs of paper towels and toilet paper and other necessary goods in her cart. Roz squints with rage and starts pushing her cart full speed toward the woman. The woman abandons her cart and runs away. Smiling, Roz scavenges through the woman’s cart for the goods she needs. She drops her new groceries into her cart, wipes her hands a few times like she’s done a good job and pushes her cart away. Fade out.
The Sitcomologist 